Doctor Olivier Spinnler is a medical psychiatrist working in Lausanne.

It could be argued that the development of social networks has made it easier than ever before to establish new relationships. And yet many people continue to suffer from loneliness. Loneliness, however, is not necessarily the opposite of sharing one’s life with a live-in partner. Instead, it means being part of a gratifying system of social interrelationships: we mustn’t forget that we are first and foremost social beings.
This book offers an analytical, active approach to human relations in every area of life: practical, professional, emotional. Not all these relations are to be placed on the same footing: everything depends on the emotional distance we bestow on them. But the moment we acquire a better understanding of a relationship, and of how it works, we are in a better position to act fittingly — choosing whether to move closer or to withdraw, so as to remain in charge of the situation. The secret of relationships is that they must be kept up. And this is true of relations with friends as well as with colleagues, though in different, specifically adapted ways. The process the author describes here is a sort of relational ecology, one that has been shown to be highly effective when used in therapy and that can help provide better answers to such questions as: what does it really mean to “trust” someone? What is a “real friend”? What additional qualities does this imply, when compared to someone described simply as a “friend”? What can one expect from a circle of friends? What does “commitment” mean on the affective level?

• An analytical, thought-out, conscious and active approach to human relations.
• It introduces the notion of adult management of relationships: developing an awareness of the different levels of relationships so as to improve our management of affective distance.
• Managing relationships well means managing one’s expectations in every social situation, at each “distance”, with savoir-faire. A healthy relationship implies reciprocity, balance, symmetry.
• Clear, straightforward answers to simple questions such as “Whom should I invite to my birthday party?” as well as to more complex, philosophical ones such as defining the difference between superficiality and depth.